Well, I have finally had the dreaded iguinal hernia surgery. No fun to say the least. I remember when I saw the surgeon the first time. He told me what was wrong and that "we" would have to do surgery to repair. There wasn't any "we" in this surgery. Hell. all I did was prep myself for surgery. The doctor gleefully announced as he examined me prior to surgery, "you've, already shaved, that'll make the nurses happy." I'm glad I could give someone some joy on this my most glorious day. The doctor told me that he would make a little incision and then push the hernia back in to place and cover the area with mesh. Like hell little. The damn incision measures 5 *^%#$@! inches. The incision is bigger than...
The last thing I remember was the nurse saying that she was going to give me the rest of my "cocktail". Bingo, I wake up in recovery and some really cute nurse saying, "How do you feel, Mr. Henson?" How the hell do you think I feel? I've been out for forty five minutes, I have a five inch incision, my throat feels like sandpaper and I can't feel anything below my waist (no worry, the feeling came back, whew!!!) and you want to know how I feel? What do they teach in nursing school anyway? I feel like shit, now give me something to make me feel better.
They told me before surgery that I couldn't go home until I "tee-teed". Now I'm 55 years old, I don't think you have to use the word "tee-tee" anymore. Piss, take a leak, or urinate-just not "tee tee". I get back to the room and whizz bang, I pissed right off. I was in the bathroom doing my business and my wonderful wife heard the joyful sounds of urine hitting water and applauded my efforts. The nurse came in and I proudly described my exploits and she quickly said, "Did you flush?" I wanted to say no and I didn't raise the lid and I missed more than I hit, but I quickly realized that she doubted my recent success. She WASN'T going to win this argument. I did finally convince her that I really had done the deed.
My post op nurse kept lifting the sheet and saying, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry. Just keep ice on it." Yeah, she was a female. No male would tell another male, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry." I know she peaked under that sheet at least three times with the same "scrotum announcement." She was partially correct. It was REALLY swollen and it turned black and blue. No one told me about my very sensitive areas becoming black and blue. I was in for quite the surprise when on the third day after surgery I went to take a whizz and my $%@#*&^ penis was purple. No reason for alarm you say. The hell you say. I ain't got much but I sure as hell don't want what I got rotting off. The doctor on call heard from me immediately. He seemed to get a chuckle out of my paranoia.
Nurse India got me home and really after three relatively uneventful days I am on my way to a full recovery. But the next time a physician says, "we're going to have to do surgery", "we're going to talk about the details a little more.