I'm back to the faith thing again. Let me start by saying, in spite of what you may think when you read what I write, I do believe. I do have a faith in God. But most times it is simply because I choose to believe. I write this blog after having stopped reading The Shack on page 166. I had this crazy notion that by reading this highly acclaimed book by William Young that my doubts about my faith might be eased. Wrong.
I really began to identify with Mack, the major character in the book, for you see he was (is) a man of faith but yet overcome with much doubt. His doubt was because of a major tragedy in his life. My doubt has nothing to do with a particular tragedy in my life. But rather my doubt has to do with the inability to connect with the one called "papa" in the book. When I got to page 166 in the book I felt that I knew how the book would end, Mack would "understand" what it means to be in "relationship" with papa. I guess that is where I miss it in the faith thing. I understand relationship with my wife and my sons. I understand realtionship with my grandson, although he might not yet understand it. I hope he will one day. I guess papa understands relationship with me-I just don't get it. I've tried desperately to have what others call that relationship with papa but it just doesn't seem to work. Do I believe any less in him? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is there? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is God? I don't think so. I just doubt.Do I doubt that he loves me? I don't think so. I just doubt. So what is it I doubt? Maybe it is the doubt itself that I doubt.
I have tried many ways to overcome this doubt-a doubt that I have had since a young kid. I was never taught to have faith, I was taught to believe. I was taught specifically to believe the WORD. And when I questioned things that I read in the book and things that I was taught, I was told not to question but believe. So I did. I believed for years what I was told to believe. I even preached for years to others what I had been told to believe. Then when I could no longer believe what I had been told to believe I quit preaching altogether. And that was probably one of the best decisions I have made as an adult. I began to search and seek for that "relationship" that is talked about in The Shack. I tried different varieties if Christianity. I even sought the charismatic and I even think that I found that briefly, though I doubt now. But the relationship thing avoids me or I avoid it.
I sat and stood in church today and really "worshipped" the one called papa or God. Corporate worship is the one place that I come the closest to connecting to papa. There are even times that I nearly have what I call out of body type experiences in these situations, yet that real connection never really happens. Maybe I am destined to be one of those labeled as "little faith". Maybe that is why I connect with Thomas. I know what it is to doubt. Maybe that is why I connect with Peter. I know what it is to KNOW the right thing but ...
So, I stopped on page 166. Will I finish the book? Probably not, Im a doubter. I think I know how it ends. It really won't change my faith. It is what it is. I have come to accept that. Somewhere in the Bible(I used to be able to tell you where) it says that faith at times can be a gift. It is interesting that it doesn't say what kind of faith, whether it is a great faith, a weak faith or a little faith. I have take that as my verse. The faith that I have, one that I simply chose to have, is papa's gift to me. What that means to me is that I don't have to connect-that simply having my measure of faith is enough for that is what papa has given to me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I don't think you doubt at all. I think your connection is in corporate worship with others who share the same experiences. That's one way to connect to the Divine. Perhaps it is God's best method. Why should you feel that anyone would question that? I have always tried to get that connection in a group, but I cannot so corporate worship does little for my faith and even less for my belief, although I love seeing others make that connection in that way. Who knows? maybe some day I'll be able to connect that way, too.
All we ever hear about Thomas is his doubt. What we don't hear is that he was the one that, when all the other disciples hemmed and hawed, tucked his tunic into his belt and rallied they frightened followers back to Jesus, when crazy savior that he is, decided it was time to head back into the lions den that was Jerusalem. Thomas the doubter. Thomas the brave. I think the two are connected, because doubt shakes loose belief from inaction, from vague proclamation of I believe to concrete living that shows faith.
For me, my relationships with those around me represent my relationship with God. It is in others that I find God. It is in being with others that I see God. It is in being in community that God becomes incarnate.
I love this blog. And will link to it, if you don't mind.
Oh, and I respect you EVEN MORE since you don't like the Shack.
Sure link it. It seems to be developing into my journal in,out and through faith.
I love the way God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are portrayed in the book-it made me laugh. However, it is very contrived and I think can actually be detrimental to those who go through tradegies in their lives and now will suddenly expect "papa" to magically show up. It also is very calloused to those who are struggling with their faith and again who don't have the experience that Mack had. It seems to me that most of our struggles don't have fairy tale endings and maybe The Shack didn't but I sure as hell ain't going to read it to find out.
Post a Comment