"Your scrotum will be swollen...."

Well, I have finally had the dreaded iguinal hernia surgery. No fun to say the least. I remember when I saw the surgeon the first time. He told me what was wrong and that "we" would have to do surgery to repair. There wasn't any "we" in this surgery. Hell. all I did was prep myself for surgery. The doctor gleefully announced as he examined me prior to surgery, "you've, already shaved, that'll make the nurses happy." I'm glad I could give someone some joy on this my most glorious day. The doctor told me that he would make a little incision and then push the hernia back in to place and cover the area with mesh. Like hell little. The damn incision measures 5 *^%#$@! inches. The incision is bigger than...

The last thing I remember was the nurse saying that she was going to give me the rest of my "cocktail". Bingo, I wake up in recovery and some really cute nurse saying, "How do you feel, Mr. Henson?" How the hell do you think I feel? I've been out for forty five minutes, I have a five inch incision, my throat feels like sandpaper and I can't feel anything below my waist (no worry, the feeling came back, whew!!!) and you want to know how I feel? What do they teach in nursing school anyway? I feel like shit, now give me something to make me feel better.

They told me before surgery that I couldn't go home until I "tee-teed". Now I'm 55 years old, I don't think you have to use the word "tee-tee" anymore. Piss, take a leak, or urinate-just not "tee tee". I get back to the room and whizz bang, I pissed right off. I was in the bathroom doing my business and my wonderful wife heard the joyful sounds of urine hitting water and applauded my efforts. The nurse came in and I proudly described my exploits and she quickly said, "Did you flush?" I wanted to say no and I didn't raise the lid and I missed more than I hit, but I quickly realized that she doubted my recent success. She WASN'T going to win this argument. I did finally convince her that I really had done the deed.

My post op nurse kept lifting the sheet and saying, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry. Just keep ice on it." Yeah, she was a female. No male would tell another male, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry." I know she peaked under that sheet at least three times with the same "scrotum announcement." She was partially correct. It was REALLY swollen and it turned black and blue. No one told me about my very sensitive areas becoming black and blue. I was in for quite the surprise when on the third day after surgery I went to take a whizz and my $%@#*&^ penis was purple. No reason for alarm you say. The hell you say. I ain't got much but I sure as hell don't want what I got rotting off. The doctor on call heard from me immediately. He seemed to get a chuckle out of my paranoia.

Nurse India got me home and really after three relatively uneventful days I am on my way to a full recovery. But the next time a physician says, "we're going to have to do surgery", "we're going to talk about the details a little more.

They got me by the .....!!!!!!

You know your day is starting off badly when you go to the doctor and he says "stand on this stool and drop your pants." Then he says, "and drop the under wear too." I had already decided that if he said to drop anything else that I was going to tell him that it wouldn't drop any further. Then he proceeds to poke and prod with no concern for how badly I was hurting. He did the routine that he pokes and says "now cough hard." I wanted to respond by saying, "you stand on the stool and drop your pants and underwear, let me poke your with vigor and see if you can cough hard." I wanted to knock the shit out of him and ask how that was for hard.

I found out that I had a hernia that needed to be repaired and that when I had it done I was going to hurt like hell for two days. But the day gets worse. I have to go for pre-admission and lab work. It really gets bad now. I go through the routine of signing shit that I don't know what it is and giving this lady my insurance card. She then indigently says, "you know that you have a $1000 deductible", like "you dumb-ass, how can anyone have such a high deductible." the answer is because you charge so frigging much. Being the Henson that I am, I kept my mouth shut :). Then she said, and your insurance only pays 60% for out patient surgery, I asked if I could have it done in patient and she said that the procedure didn't justify in patient." So much for us NOT having socialized medicine. So I asked her how much the procedure would cost and she says, "I don't know but your maximum out of pocket expenses would be $3000, so they needed a check for $3000 up front." My response was-"ain't going to happen." I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what this procedure would cost. NO ONE CAN TELL ME!!!! I was told that they could only tell me AFTER the procedure was invoiced AFTER the surgery. Well, shit!!!! This would be like going to a restaurant and ordering without knowing how much it cost but expected to pay whatever the bill happened to be.

The frigging insurance company-Blue Cross Blue Shield cannot tell me what an out patient procedure will cost me. Their response was somewhere between $1000 and $3000. You pay us $3000 dollars and if it is less we'll refund your money. And the damn thing about it is I don't have a choice. I either pay it and quit hurting or don't pay it and hurt like hell. Excuse the pun, but it's like they have me by the b...., oops sorry but you get the picture, oops I hope you don't get the picture but maybe get the idea. No wonder so many people are pushing for universal health care.

But I still have my dignity...aw shit that hurts. Maybe not.

Thomas-A great man through my eyes

I'm back to the faith thing again. Let me start by saying, in spite of what you may think when you read what I write, I do believe. I do have a faith in God. But most times it is simply because I choose to believe. I write this blog after having stopped reading The Shack on page 166. I had this crazy notion that by reading this highly acclaimed book by William Young that my doubts about my faith might be eased. Wrong.

I really began to identify with Mack, the major character in the book, for you see he was (is) a man of faith but yet overcome with much doubt. His doubt was because of a major tragedy in his life. My doubt has nothing to do with a particular tragedy in my life. But rather my doubt has to do with the inability to connect with the one called "papa" in the book. When I got to page 166 in the book I felt that I knew how the book would end, Mack would "understand" what it means to be in "relationship" with papa. I guess that is where I miss it in the faith thing. I understand relationship with my wife and my sons. I understand realtionship with my grandson, although he might not yet understand it. I hope he will one day. I guess papa understands relationship with me-I just don't get it. I've tried desperately to have what others call that relationship with papa but it just doesn't seem to work. Do I believe any less in him? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is there? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is God? I don't think so. I just doubt.Do I doubt that he loves me? I don't think so. I just doubt. So what is it I doubt? Maybe it is the doubt itself that I doubt.

I have tried many ways to overcome this doubt-a doubt that I have had since a young kid. I was never taught to have faith, I was taught to believe. I was taught specifically to believe the WORD. And when I questioned things that I read in the book and things that I was taught, I was told not to question but believe. So I did. I believed for years what I was told to believe. I even preached for years to others what I had been told to believe. Then when I could no longer believe what I had been told to believe I quit preaching altogether. And that was probably one of the best decisions I have made as an adult. I began to search and seek for that "relationship" that is talked about in The Shack. I tried different varieties if Christianity. I even sought the charismatic and I even think that I found that briefly, though I doubt now. But the relationship thing avoids me or I avoid it.

I sat and stood in church today and really "worshipped" the one called papa or God. Corporate worship is the one place that I come the closest to connecting to papa. There are even times that I nearly have what I call out of body type experiences in these situations, yet that real connection never really happens. Maybe I am destined to be one of those labeled as "little faith". Maybe that is why I connect with Thomas. I know what it is to doubt. Maybe that is why I connect with Peter. I know what it is to KNOW the right thing but ...

So, I stopped on page 166. Will I finish the book? Probably not, Im a doubter. I think I know how it ends. It really won't change my faith. It is what it is. I have come to accept that. Somewhere in the Bible(I used to be able to tell you where) it says that faith at times can be a gift. It is interesting that it doesn't say what kind of faith, whether it is a great faith, a weak faith or a little faith. I have take that as my verse. The faith that I have, one that I simply chose to have, is papa's gift to me. What that means to me is that I don't have to connect-that simply having my measure of faith is enough for that is what papa has given to me.

Pops! for President

Let me start by saying that most of my life I have been a conservative Republican. I have voted for every Republican nominee since Jimmy Carter. I voted for good 'ol Jimmy. I got caught up in the peanut pickin' down home charm of good 'ol Jimmy. Maybe it was the Carter administration that turned me into a Republican because prior to that time I was opposed to the war in Vietnam, opposed to the politics of the racist south and a BIG fan of John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy. In my mind, at the time, Robert Kennedy would have become one of our greatest Presidents. As a young adult, I became "taken" by the JFK assassination. I actually read the Warren Commission on his death. I still believe that there are many unanswered questions about his death. But I digress...

This year I am not voting in this Presidential election and let me count the reasons why.

1. In an economy that is fraught with homelessness, poverty and diminishing retirement accounts we are spending hundreds of millions of dollars in order to assume the post of the most powerful position in the world. Just think of the human despair that could be eased with this money. Campaign spending must be limited dramatically.

2. We have two political parties that cannot find ANY common ground. It is absurd to think that supposedly two "good" men in McCain and Obama cannot find ANY common ground. When both candidates villify the other on the campaign trail but during a light moment during the Alred E Smith dinner can find nice things to say about each other suggests to me the basic dishonesty of both parties and candidiates.

3. Special interests run our parties and our country. It matters not whether it is big oil or big trail lawyers lobbyist or any group in between, we are run by big money not big ideas.

4. Both candidates lie to us incessantly. Nightly, on the media outlets, we are told both candidates misrepresent the positions of the other.

5. John McCain supports continuing to pour billions of dollars into a war when our economy at home is on the verge of collapse.

6. Obama blames McCain and Bush for the near collapsing economy when it has been the leaders of the Democratic party that have failed to heed the warnings of many, including McCain, concerning the effect that sub-prime lending would have on our economy.

7. John McCain has admitted that he is weak on the economy.

8. Barack Obama is weaker on the economy. You cannot raise taxes on anyone during the current economic crisis. It will lead to less jobs, higher interest rates and ...

9. Abolishing secret voting during Union organizing(everyone knows how evryone votes) will lead to more unions which will be the death knell for many small businesses. I know, I run a small business, and we cannot afford what it would mean. The big companies than can would simply swallow us up. This is part of the Democratic initiative.

10. John McCain knows that we can't continue the war and it's economic costs AND pay all his new spending without raising taxes.

11. Obama's plan calls for one trillion dollars in new spending and even by ending the war in Iraq, it cannot be paid for other than by raising ALL our taxes. You may get a "payroll" tax decrease but don't think for a moment that "other" taxes won't be raised. He is a Democrat and that is what Democrats do.

12. What do we REALLY know about Obama? Not enough.

13. What do we REALLY know about McCain? Too much.

14. How can I vote for the candidate of either party when both parties (through big money) stop the voices of those in minor parties? They cannot even participate in the debates. I sure would like to have had Paul and Barr in those debates, they would have at least made the two major candidates face the REAL issues.

15. The candidates cannot agree on an energy policy. One wants more drilling and one wants more alternative energy sources and the one guy(not a politician) that has put his money where is mouth is says we have to do both. Maybe T Boone Pickens needs to be President.

This list could go on and on but the point is that we are all fooling ourselves if we think that either candidate is good or right for this country. Until our political system finds a way to stop the incessant media campaigning we will continue to be bought and paid for.

Here is my simple and maybe redneck solution. All media(paid advertising will be outlawed). Candidates can only campaign(speak to the public) through public forums. No more ad agencies doing slick media campaigns. No more 527's or whatever they are called. All candidates will answer questions from THE PEOPLE at public forums. These public forums will not be organized by the media but by local citizens groups, whether they are the PTA, Chamber of Commerce, or Civic Clubs. When we take the media out of the center and require the candidates to answer our questions and we have a chance of rebuttal then maybe we can finally elect a candidate that is of the people and for the people.

That is my platform. This has been approved by me. If elected I will gladly serve.

Struggling Faith

As I get older, I think about this faith thing a lot. Maybe when you have to face the reality of the swiftness of life and the futility of it all you try to really get things right. And hell, when it comes to this faith thing I seem to have gotten it mostly wrong during my life.'

I grew up in a very conservative church, maybe even a cult. As a young kid, I knew I had it right. I had book, chapter and verse for everything I believed. AT least I thought I did. But faith was what you knew not a relationship with the big guy who wrote or at least supposedly instructed those who wrote it. This is the environment in which both of my boys were raised. And neither one are associated with that heritage anymore, thank God. I remember my wife suggesting that we start going to a "new church" when the boys were young and I just couldn't, regardless of how unhappy we were. For you see, according to my theology at the time, what we were members of was the "one true" church. As I look back, I wish someone had knocked some sense into me or at least knocked the shit out of me. So yeah, most of my life I've gotten it wrong.

After we left this heritage, I began to seek what those around me had and that was a relationship with the big guy. And I guess you could say it has been a struggle. I am still a believer to this day-I don't like the alternative. But this relationship and faith thing has been a struggle. I read the Bible(and I do believe it to be God's word) but so much of it I just don't get. And this faith thing. I just don't seem to connect. I believe in God and all that stuff. I just have a hard time making the connection. I pray but even then it seems empty. Do I believe the big guy hears me? I think so. I want to be a great man of faith. But for some reason my mind doesn't work that way. It was so much easier when my very dogmatic doctrine was in place, even though now I see how stupid it was. I just have had trouble making the leap from a very academic "faith" to a whatever it is supposed to be "faith".

I still love christian music, especially southern gospel. I still love to read NT Wright-a great theologian. But I am still looking for that "connection with God." I have even experienced some of the spiritual gifts, but even they at times seem hollow. But on the journey I continue. I still believe in heaven-just not that big pie in the sky place-just read NT Wright. And I hope to ask God a few pointed questions one day. Hell, I hope it's Him to whom I am asking the questions.

But in spite of all my spiritual failures, I have a wonderful wife and two sons that have found their way spiritually in spite of me. It warms my heart for my two sons to be developing such a close relationship. But why in the hell did it have to be 3000 miles away. That will be one of my questions. I look at my grandson and he helps me seek God. He makes me know that there is a God. Maybe that is all the faith I'll ever have. I read about great faith and little faith and maybe my role in life is to be one of a struggling faith.

Thanks Brendan

My wife and I have had the pleasure of spending the last three and a half weeks with our son and grandson while our daughter-in-law has been called to a military assignment. And the last few weeks have been glorious for this old man. I have gotten to know my son in ways that I have never experienced before. I have watched him in awe as he fathers his son. I have even caught myself calling him "daddy". David will always be my son but suddenly he has become daddy. I watch as he plays with Brendan and am amazed at his enegry, David's that is. I watch as he teaches Brendan about life. David is very good at the discipline thing. David doen't believe in corporal punishment and so far he doesn't need it. I watch as Brendan reacts to the firmness in Daddy's voice. I watch as Brendan begins to test the limits with daddy. And daddy doen't back down. David is a GREAT daddy. My love for my son has deepened as I have watched him grow into fatherhood.

Then there is Brendan. I love that little ball of energy more than I can express. We walk together every morning that I am home and we have some interesting talks. I spend a lot of time telling Brendan how much I love him and he usually responds by talking about the big tractors, the birds or the flowers. It seems that we have two different conversations going on but I really believe that Brendan is communicating back to me in "his words", for you see these are words that pops! talks about on our morning walks. He looks at me at times and in those big wonderful eyes I see him saying, "pops! I love you". He melts my heart every morning when I ask him if he wants to go outside and he gets excited and holds his arms out for pops! to take him. There are mornings when we walk that tears stream down my face when I talk with Brendan (as they are now), not because I am sad but because this little fellow has filled me with such joy and love. I can't adequately describe how he has made me fill. Maybe I should quit trying and just let the emotions just wash over me. I never dreamed that being pops! could be so much fun.

And then there is Brendan's grandmother, Jadda. My little buddy has REALLY fallen for Jadda. His face really lights up when Jadda walks in the room. He has learned her name. It really makes me happy to hear my little buddy say "Ja-Da". My love for Jadda has also deepened as I watch her interact with Brendan. After 30 years I didn't think I could love her any more than I did, but I was wrong. I love her more. And as I am writing this I figured out why Brendan is so special to me. He has helped me deepen my love for those around me. I have come to understand even more and even in a deeper way loving is all about. Can I explain it? Nope, but I can sure feel it and it is now so much deeper than it ever was before. Thanks Brendan.

pops!

The diary of a mad pops!

The last few days have certainly been strange. My oldest son had come home but was on his way to enter the PhD program at Cal Berkeley. Shortly thereafter my youngest son arrived in Birmingham (with the world's greatest grandchild) coming from the Cal Berkeley area. I see one son leaving to study things that will make the world a better place to live and one son arriving having made my world a better place to live. I love both of my sons immensely. As any father, there are times that I wonder "what in the hell has happened to that boy I raised". And then there are other times that I see the glorious hand of God working in their lives. Both of my boys, yes, they're still my boys, are more liberal than their dad. Although, there are times I think that I surprise both of them with some "positions" I have taken as I get older.

For you see, there is a little fellow that I call my little buddy that has helped me rethink the world in which I live. For most of my life, most people would have characterized me as a fairly staunch republican. Today, I don't think any one in either of the two major parties would claim me. I am still a registered republican. But today there are some issues that are really important to me as I look at my little buddy as he toddles around my living room making mouth sounds that I proudly take responsibility for helping to teach him. I also taught him where his ears are. But I digress. As I look at the political landscape I am concerned about several things that neither of the candidates adequately address.

1. Stewardship of our environment. We, individually and collectively, must do a better job at protecting our environment. We need less idiots like Al Gore who are so wacky and off the wall that they give "protecting the environment" a bad name. Just listen to Rush. Poor old Al gives Rush to much fodder. I want my little buddy to be able to enjoy this great land of ours. We can continue to be progressive and environmentally sound, but only when it becomes a moral and ethical issue not a political one.

2. War. I know many think me to be an idealist when it comes to the subject of war. But as I watch countless young men and women die in this war and I ask for what, it makes it hard for this once hardnosed republican to justify ANY war. Yeah, I have become a pacifist. Why? Well, for me I believe that is the message of Jesus. Do I condemn those who feel otherwise? No, as contradictory as it may seem, I honor those who serve. They do so because they believe they should and I honor that belief. But as I look at my little buddy, I can't think of any political cause for which I would be willing to give him up. His life is too precious to me. I have heard people say, "What cost for freedom"? I ask, "What cost for peace?" What happen to love thy neighbor as thyself? What happened to turn the other cheek? Didn't Jesus himself ask his followers to lay down the sword. Look at the money spent and the lives that could have been saved with it rather than the lives lost with it.

3. The economy. What will be the size of the national debt when my little buddy is a young adult? Will he have the same opportunity as his pops! Not a chance in hell if we don't do something about our economy. This is where my liberal tendencies are not so liberal. I love our capitalistic system in which we live, but with a twist. What happens when we apply the Jesus principles to our economy. We certainly would take care of the less fortunate. We wouldn't turn our backs on those who serve us, even if we disagree with the cause. We wouldn't fight over alternative energy versus drilling for oil. Hell, it ain't that difficult. We drill for oil short term and do it in an environmentally safe way, while we actively pursue other sources that will allow us independence from foreign oil. We can do both, but only when we make it a nonpolitical issue but a moral issue.

4. Political Parties. I am so F&^%()& tired of our political parties. How can it be that we so many issues that they can't agree on a damn thing? What if we outlawed all political contributions and all campaigning was done on public airwaves. No contrived debates but just plain old talking about issues sitting around a table with general citizens asking the questions. Federally sponsored discussions with no paid political ads. There has to be a better way. The billions of dollars spent on winning the Presidency could be used to retire our national debt, feed the hungry, care for the sick or maybe even find a cure for AIDS.

What are the hell are we thinking? Who will I vote for? I can tell you one damn thing for sure, not OBAMA or McCain. In my opinion we do not have a choice. We have two politicians running who will say anything and everything to get elected. Nothing new here, but still the truth. I keep looking for the day when America gets so fed up with politics that kick all the bastards out and start over again. I for one will start by casting my vote for.......... You fill in the blank, my is a protest vote.

pops!

Uncovered joy

I sit here in my office on a Sunday evening thinking about the events of the last couple of weeks. It has been a whirlwind few days. In Columbus one day, back in Birmingham the same day and flying to California the next. Must have been some big business trip? Nope, it was all about family.

You see, nine months ago I was blessed with my first grandchild, hence the name pops. My son David added the ! to pops. He says it's because of how excited that I get with kids. I do love kids. You put me in a room with adults and kids, I want to be with the kids. At family get togethers, I sit at the kids table and not because of my childish behavior(although it is often such), but by choice. At such gatherings, I'd rather be outside with the kids. It must be my refusal to admit the aging process. But nine months ago, I was forced to admit the aging process. Being a grandfather says without a doubt you are getting older. But Brendan Micah has somehow uncover a joy in my heart that I did not know existed. I have been blessed as a husband and a father, I have been given great joy by my family. However, both David (my youngest son) and Jadda (my bride) say that they see a joy on my face with Brendan that they have never seen. I have thought about that the last few days and really can't pinpoint the why of it all.

I told Jadda this morning that Brendan has captured my heart. I really didn't think that there was any more room in my heart to love like I do my wife and my sons, but Brendan has proven me wrong. That little fella has put more joy into my life than I thought was possible. I have a wonderful life but for some reason God saw a need to give me a little more joy.

I do silly things as a pops! I write Brendan letters(emails). My crazy way to "connect with him" two thousand miles away. I love golf and I mark my golf balls with either Pops! or B. And I think it makes me play better. I love to ride a road bike and when I ride I dream of Brendan one day riding with me. I know it's a mommy and daddy's place to get a kid is first bike but the selfish one in me wants to get that for Brendan. I love to shop for clothes for Brendan.

So maybe I've managed to find the reason for this tremendous love for this little ball of energy. I miss being a dad. Oh, I'm still a dad but I miss those dad moments that I had with my boys. Like taking Zac to his first Auburn football game and sleeping in a parking lot and not telling Jadda until years later. Like teaching Zac to ride his bike for the first time. Like getting them a go-kart one year for Christmas and having David proceed to turn it over on himself. Like watching David play baseball with a foot in a cast and still being the fastest kid on the team. Like watching David run track in high school and college. Like helping Zac through trying times during college. Like seeing David being such a good father. Maybe it is because things have come full circle. I don't know how good of a dad I really was? I tried awfully hard at times and really screwed up at other times. But one thing I do know, I love my family. And I sure do love Brendan Micah. He has stolen my heart.

Indiana Jones and the Kid

This really has nothing to do with the new Indiana Jones movie other than the fact that I just got home from seeing the movie. But it was what happened after the movie that this is about. As India and I were leaving the movie their was a young man asking for money so that he could get in to the movie. Now, I did something that years ago that I would not have done-I actually talked to the man. Years ago, not only would I not have given him any money but I would have just walked right by with a disgusted glare and probably a few choice mumbled words as I passed by. Why the change? Hell, I don't know. Is it God working on me? Is it just getting liberal in my old age? Or is it knowing that I once had kids that age and it just tears my f*&%$@g heart out that I can't fix what is wrong in that kids life, if there is anything wrong? But one thing I do know, the movie was a great movie probably the best in the series, but all I could think about on the way home was why I didn't give the kid more money. I, at first, felt good about helping him get in the movie. He had about $7 and I gave him about $4. Then I ask him to give me all the money he had and I gave him twenty. I ought to feel good about that,huh? Not really. AS I was riding home all I could think about was that I gave him twenty but made him give me change.

There are all sorts of ways that I can justify what I did but they would all be a bunch of lies. I can afford the $20, even with gasoline at $4 a gallon. I'll blow that twenty easy over the weekend. I really should have given the kid the twenty, let him keep his change and told him that I loved him. There are times that the call of Jesus is so strong on me that it is hard to resist-like tonight. It is scary to think what might happen if I ever surrender totally to his urging. What did Jesus say? Something about giving a cup of cold water to those in need is like giving it to Jesus himself. I don't know if I fully understand what Jesus was teaching. But I do believe that he was asking that we touch those that are in need and that is really what church is about. Does helping a kid go to an Indiana Jones movie count? Maybe not. But the kid got to see a helluva movie.

pops!