Well, I have finally had the dreaded iguinal hernia surgery. No fun to say the least. I remember when I saw the surgeon the first time. He told me what was wrong and that "we" would have to do surgery to repair. There wasn't any "we" in this surgery. Hell. all I did was prep myself for surgery. The doctor gleefully announced as he examined me prior to surgery, "you've, already shaved, that'll make the nurses happy." I'm glad I could give someone some joy on this my most glorious day. The doctor told me that he would make a little incision and then push the hernia back in to place and cover the area with mesh. Like hell little. The damn incision measures 5 *^%#$@! inches. The incision is bigger than...
The last thing I remember was the nurse saying that she was going to give me the rest of my "cocktail". Bingo, I wake up in recovery and some really cute nurse saying, "How do you feel, Mr. Henson?" How the hell do you think I feel? I've been out for forty five minutes, I have a five inch incision, my throat feels like sandpaper and I can't feel anything below my waist (no worry, the feeling came back, whew!!!) and you want to know how I feel? What do they teach in nursing school anyway? I feel like shit, now give me something to make me feel better.
They told me before surgery that I couldn't go home until I "tee-teed". Now I'm 55 years old, I don't think you have to use the word "tee-tee" anymore. Piss, take a leak, or urinate-just not "tee tee". I get back to the room and whizz bang, I pissed right off. I was in the bathroom doing my business and my wonderful wife heard the joyful sounds of urine hitting water and applauded my efforts. The nurse came in and I proudly described my exploits and she quickly said, "Did you flush?" I wanted to say no and I didn't raise the lid and I missed more than I hit, but I quickly realized that she doubted my recent success. She WASN'T going to win this argument. I did finally convince her that I really had done the deed.
My post op nurse kept lifting the sheet and saying, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry. Just keep ice on it." Yeah, she was a female. No male would tell another male, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry." I know she peaked under that sheet at least three times with the same "scrotum announcement." She was partially correct. It was REALLY swollen and it turned black and blue. No one told me about my very sensitive areas becoming black and blue. I was in for quite the surprise when on the third day after surgery I went to take a whizz and my $%@#*&^ penis was purple. No reason for alarm you say. The hell you say. I ain't got much but I sure as hell don't want what I got rotting off. The doctor on call heard from me immediately. He seemed to get a chuckle out of my paranoia.
Nurse India got me home and really after three relatively uneventful days I am on my way to a full recovery. But the next time a physician says, "we're going to have to do surgery", "we're going to talk about the details a little more.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
They got me by the .....!!!!!!
You know your day is starting off badly when you go to the doctor and he says "stand on this stool and drop your pants." Then he says, "and drop the under wear too." I had already decided that if he said to drop anything else that I was going to tell him that it wouldn't drop any further. Then he proceeds to poke and prod with no concern for how badly I was hurting. He did the routine that he pokes and says "now cough hard." I wanted to respond by saying, "you stand on the stool and drop your pants and underwear, let me poke your with vigor and see if you can cough hard." I wanted to knock the shit out of him and ask how that was for hard.
I found out that I had a hernia that needed to be repaired and that when I had it done I was going to hurt like hell for two days. But the day gets worse. I have to go for pre-admission and lab work. It really gets bad now. I go through the routine of signing shit that I don't know what it is and giving this lady my insurance card. She then indigently says, "you know that you have a $1000 deductible", like "you dumb-ass, how can anyone have such a high deductible." the answer is because you charge so frigging much. Being the Henson that I am, I kept my mouth shut :). Then she said, and your insurance only pays 60% for out patient surgery, I asked if I could have it done in patient and she said that the procedure didn't justify in patient." So much for us NOT having socialized medicine. So I asked her how much the procedure would cost and she says, "I don't know but your maximum out of pocket expenses would be $3000, so they needed a check for $3000 up front." My response was-"ain't going to happen." I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what this procedure would cost. NO ONE CAN TELL ME!!!! I was told that they could only tell me AFTER the procedure was invoiced AFTER the surgery. Well, shit!!!! This would be like going to a restaurant and ordering without knowing how much it cost but expected to pay whatever the bill happened to be.
The frigging insurance company-Blue Cross Blue Shield cannot tell me what an out patient procedure will cost me. Their response was somewhere between $1000 and $3000. You pay us $3000 dollars and if it is less we'll refund your money. And the damn thing about it is I don't have a choice. I either pay it and quit hurting or don't pay it and hurt like hell. Excuse the pun, but it's like they have me by the b...., oops sorry but you get the picture, oops I hope you don't get the picture but maybe get the idea. No wonder so many people are pushing for universal health care.
But I still have my dignity...aw shit that hurts. Maybe not.
I found out that I had a hernia that needed to be repaired and that when I had it done I was going to hurt like hell for two days. But the day gets worse. I have to go for pre-admission and lab work. It really gets bad now. I go through the routine of signing shit that I don't know what it is and giving this lady my insurance card. She then indigently says, "you know that you have a $1000 deductible", like "you dumb-ass, how can anyone have such a high deductible." the answer is because you charge so frigging much. Being the Henson that I am, I kept my mouth shut :). Then she said, and your insurance only pays 60% for out patient surgery, I asked if I could have it done in patient and she said that the procedure didn't justify in patient." So much for us NOT having socialized medicine. So I asked her how much the procedure would cost and she says, "I don't know but your maximum out of pocket expenses would be $3000, so they needed a check for $3000 up front." My response was-"ain't going to happen." I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what this procedure would cost. NO ONE CAN TELL ME!!!! I was told that they could only tell me AFTER the procedure was invoiced AFTER the surgery. Well, shit!!!! This would be like going to a restaurant and ordering without knowing how much it cost but expected to pay whatever the bill happened to be.
The frigging insurance company-Blue Cross Blue Shield cannot tell me what an out patient procedure will cost me. Their response was somewhere between $1000 and $3000. You pay us $3000 dollars and if it is less we'll refund your money. And the damn thing about it is I don't have a choice. I either pay it and quit hurting or don't pay it and hurt like hell. Excuse the pun, but it's like they have me by the b...., oops sorry but you get the picture, oops I hope you don't get the picture but maybe get the idea. No wonder so many people are pushing for universal health care.
But I still have my dignity...aw shit that hurts. Maybe not.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Thomas-A great man through my eyes
I'm back to the faith thing again. Let me start by saying, in spite of what you may think when you read what I write, I do believe. I do have a faith in God. But most times it is simply because I choose to believe. I write this blog after having stopped reading The Shack on page 166. I had this crazy notion that by reading this highly acclaimed book by William Young that my doubts about my faith might be eased. Wrong.
I really began to identify with Mack, the major character in the book, for you see he was (is) a man of faith but yet overcome with much doubt. His doubt was because of a major tragedy in his life. My doubt has nothing to do with a particular tragedy in my life. But rather my doubt has to do with the inability to connect with the one called "papa" in the book. When I got to page 166 in the book I felt that I knew how the book would end, Mack would "understand" what it means to be in "relationship" with papa. I guess that is where I miss it in the faith thing. I understand relationship with my wife and my sons. I understand realtionship with my grandson, although he might not yet understand it. I hope he will one day. I guess papa understands relationship with me-I just don't get it. I've tried desperately to have what others call that relationship with papa but it just doesn't seem to work. Do I believe any less in him? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is there? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is God? I don't think so. I just doubt.Do I doubt that he loves me? I don't think so. I just doubt. So what is it I doubt? Maybe it is the doubt itself that I doubt.
I have tried many ways to overcome this doubt-a doubt that I have had since a young kid. I was never taught to have faith, I was taught to believe. I was taught specifically to believe the WORD. And when I questioned things that I read in the book and things that I was taught, I was told not to question but believe. So I did. I believed for years what I was told to believe. I even preached for years to others what I had been told to believe. Then when I could no longer believe what I had been told to believe I quit preaching altogether. And that was probably one of the best decisions I have made as an adult. I began to search and seek for that "relationship" that is talked about in The Shack. I tried different varieties if Christianity. I even sought the charismatic and I even think that I found that briefly, though I doubt now. But the relationship thing avoids me or I avoid it.
I sat and stood in church today and really "worshipped" the one called papa or God. Corporate worship is the one place that I come the closest to connecting to papa. There are even times that I nearly have what I call out of body type experiences in these situations, yet that real connection never really happens. Maybe I am destined to be one of those labeled as "little faith". Maybe that is why I connect with Thomas. I know what it is to doubt. Maybe that is why I connect with Peter. I know what it is to KNOW the right thing but ...
So, I stopped on page 166. Will I finish the book? Probably not, Im a doubter. I think I know how it ends. It really won't change my faith. It is what it is. I have come to accept that. Somewhere in the Bible(I used to be able to tell you where) it says that faith at times can be a gift. It is interesting that it doesn't say what kind of faith, whether it is a great faith, a weak faith or a little faith. I have take that as my verse. The faith that I have, one that I simply chose to have, is papa's gift to me. What that means to me is that I don't have to connect-that simply having my measure of faith is enough for that is what papa has given to me.
I really began to identify with Mack, the major character in the book, for you see he was (is) a man of faith but yet overcome with much doubt. His doubt was because of a major tragedy in his life. My doubt has nothing to do with a particular tragedy in my life. But rather my doubt has to do with the inability to connect with the one called "papa" in the book. When I got to page 166 in the book I felt that I knew how the book would end, Mack would "understand" what it means to be in "relationship" with papa. I guess that is where I miss it in the faith thing. I understand relationship with my wife and my sons. I understand realtionship with my grandson, although he might not yet understand it. I hope he will one day. I guess papa understands relationship with me-I just don't get it. I've tried desperately to have what others call that relationship with papa but it just doesn't seem to work. Do I believe any less in him? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is there? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is God? I don't think so. I just doubt.Do I doubt that he loves me? I don't think so. I just doubt. So what is it I doubt? Maybe it is the doubt itself that I doubt.
I have tried many ways to overcome this doubt-a doubt that I have had since a young kid. I was never taught to have faith, I was taught to believe. I was taught specifically to believe the WORD. And when I questioned things that I read in the book and things that I was taught, I was told not to question but believe. So I did. I believed for years what I was told to believe. I even preached for years to others what I had been told to believe. Then when I could no longer believe what I had been told to believe I quit preaching altogether. And that was probably one of the best decisions I have made as an adult. I began to search and seek for that "relationship" that is talked about in The Shack. I tried different varieties if Christianity. I even sought the charismatic and I even think that I found that briefly, though I doubt now. But the relationship thing avoids me or I avoid it.
I sat and stood in church today and really "worshipped" the one called papa or God. Corporate worship is the one place that I come the closest to connecting to papa. There are even times that I nearly have what I call out of body type experiences in these situations, yet that real connection never really happens. Maybe I am destined to be one of those labeled as "little faith". Maybe that is why I connect with Thomas. I know what it is to doubt. Maybe that is why I connect with Peter. I know what it is to KNOW the right thing but ...
So, I stopped on page 166. Will I finish the book? Probably not, Im a doubter. I think I know how it ends. It really won't change my faith. It is what it is. I have come to accept that. Somewhere in the Bible(I used to be able to tell you where) it says that faith at times can be a gift. It is interesting that it doesn't say what kind of faith, whether it is a great faith, a weak faith or a little faith. I have take that as my verse. The faith that I have, one that I simply chose to have, is papa's gift to me. What that means to me is that I don't have to connect-that simply having my measure of faith is enough for that is what papa has given to me.
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