Struggling Faith

As I get older, I think about this faith thing a lot. Maybe when you have to face the reality of the swiftness of life and the futility of it all you try to really get things right. And hell, when it comes to this faith thing I seem to have gotten it mostly wrong during my life.'

I grew up in a very conservative church, maybe even a cult. As a young kid, I knew I had it right. I had book, chapter and verse for everything I believed. AT least I thought I did. But faith was what you knew not a relationship with the big guy who wrote or at least supposedly instructed those who wrote it. This is the environment in which both of my boys were raised. And neither one are associated with that heritage anymore, thank God. I remember my wife suggesting that we start going to a "new church" when the boys were young and I just couldn't, regardless of how unhappy we were. For you see, according to my theology at the time, what we were members of was the "one true" church. As I look back, I wish someone had knocked some sense into me or at least knocked the shit out of me. So yeah, most of my life I've gotten it wrong.

After we left this heritage, I began to seek what those around me had and that was a relationship with the big guy. And I guess you could say it has been a struggle. I am still a believer to this day-I don't like the alternative. But this relationship and faith thing has been a struggle. I read the Bible(and I do believe it to be God's word) but so much of it I just don't get. And this faith thing. I just don't seem to connect. I believe in God and all that stuff. I just have a hard time making the connection. I pray but even then it seems empty. Do I believe the big guy hears me? I think so. I want to be a great man of faith. But for some reason my mind doesn't work that way. It was so much easier when my very dogmatic doctrine was in place, even though now I see how stupid it was. I just have had trouble making the leap from a very academic "faith" to a whatever it is supposed to be "faith".

I still love christian music, especially southern gospel. I still love to read NT Wright-a great theologian. But I am still looking for that "connection with God." I have even experienced some of the spiritual gifts, but even they at times seem hollow. But on the journey I continue. I still believe in heaven-just not that big pie in the sky place-just read NT Wright. And I hope to ask God a few pointed questions one day. Hell, I hope it's Him to whom I am asking the questions.

But in spite of all my spiritual failures, I have a wonderful wife and two sons that have found their way spiritually in spite of me. It warms my heart for my two sons to be developing such a close relationship. But why in the hell did it have to be 3000 miles away. That will be one of my questions. I look at my grandson and he helps me seek God. He makes me know that there is a God. Maybe that is all the faith I'll ever have. I read about great faith and little faith and maybe my role in life is to be one of a struggling faith.