Little buddies

Why do I go to church? I've really been thinking about that a lot lately. I struggle with this thing called "faith". Not because I don't believe in God, I do. Not that I don't believe in Jesus, I do. I consider myself a somewhat "progressive conservative Christian". I'm not sure what that means but I don't consider myself right wing or left wing politically or religiously. And I don't know if I'm in the middle. Hell, I just changed subjects. But why do I go to church? I really enjoy corporate worship. I may be weird but I really come closer to God in that environment that others and that may say a lot about why I struggle with this "faith" thing. But I think that the thing that I like most is the people. Just take last Sunday. I was a little late getting to church and I proceeded to my normal place. The Daniel family was not there but the Crockett's were and when my buddy Gavin saw me he smiled this huge smile and came over and hugged me around the legs. You talk about having your day made, well, my was. Most Sundays, when Gavin is there ,I get to look at his books, color and just enjoy him. Sometimes he will even lay his head on my shoulder and I just melt. I know Gavin likes me regardless of what I wear, what I think politically or what I think religiously. He likes "Mr. Hal" because...I really don't know why. But I hope he likes me because he knows that I love him. And even with little Sam, I am beginning to strike up a bond. He is still at the age where he wants to be with mommy and daddy but when he sees me he gives me that "look", that look that has a twinkle in his eyes and a little smile on his face. I sure sometime soon Gavin won't think it cool to sit in Mr. Hal's lap and color but maybe by then little Sam will. I really like my little buddies. They really make church-church. Why do I go to church? Are Gavin and Sam good enough reasons? I enjoy the worship. I enjoy Pastor Garry's sermons. I enjoy my time with Pastor Charlie. But Gavin and Sam help this old fart feel good every Sunday morning. And I guess that I also see in them another little buddy that I miss and love so much, my grandson Brendan. And I think that God is glorified in that. I think that He loved His little buddy. I can't help but think that as God looked down on Jesus from his time as a child until He finally was crucified that He looked down with pride on his "little buddy". So I think that God is pleased that on Sundays that I take time with my little buddies. And if that were all that I got out of church, that would probably be enough.

Hell, give him a chance!!!!

Yesterday, one of the most historic days of my life, I had to spend in meetings until after lunch. I missed seeing the inaguration of President Barack Obama. I had to watch the replay of the event last night on CSPAN. I had heard some conservative jerks, I mean commentators talk about the speech on my way to work yesterday afternoon. The commentary was that it was a very disjointed speech with no flow to it. I expected to hear a speech that was far from Obamaesque.

But I heard a speech that was more substance that flowery oratory. Did President Obama tell us the specifics of what he was going to do? No. But he was very honest and forthright. We are in a frigging mess and he promised to meet the problems head on. I am a lifelong Republican but I was inspired as I listened to his speech. A President saying that he couldn't, nor could the government solve our problems, he asked for our help as Americans. I for one want my President to succeed. I want a better country for my grandchildren. Do I agree with all his politics? Hell no, but I do believe him to be a good moral man that has a very positive vision for this country. How arogant can we conservatives be to think that the only right way is our way. President Bush has had eight years, and I understand that he faced difficult circumstances, but this country is not better off after having four years under his leadership. I believe W to be a good man but a leader who has severely divided this country. I hope that President Obama can unite our political leaders. He, so far, has done a good job of reaching across the aisle asking that we all unite for the common good of our great country. I, for one, do not think that the massive expansion of government is the way to go. But our last President, the man I voted for, began the expansion of government. Maybe President Obama can take the philosphy and make it work. I am willing to give him a chance. I am also willing to pray that President Obama becomes the leader that our country has not had in many years. A leader that inspires hopes, dreams and success.

This lifelong Republican actually cried when Aretha Franklin sang "My Country 'tis of Thee". I think that was the song. I was moved by emotion as I watch people from every walk of life being united rather than divided. I laughed and cried as I watched the Obama girls observe their Father receiving the oath of office to the highest position in the country. I was happy when Obama stumbled over his words, not because he screwed up but because it made him seem like one of us. Not a perfect man but an imperfect man seeking imperfect people to strive for perfection.

So what am I trying to say. Shut the hell up Limbaugh and Hannity. Listen to him for a change. Give the man chance.

The Kid

Last Sunday Pastor Garry spoke on our attitude towards riches and it wasn't the typical pastor sermon on giving. It was a honest look at how we should view stuff and how stuff shouldn't change how we look at ourselves. On the way home from church, as we got on our exit, there was a young man on the side of the road with a sign that said, "broke-hungry". The kid had to be in his early twenties and was wearing very light clothing for weather in the 40's, wet and windy. He was literally shaking, one of those whole body shakes as he begged for money. I think I ask one of the dumbest questions ever, "You got any place to stay." The kid kind of look at me like, well, you dumb ----, what do you think?" Rather he politely gave me a blank stare. India and I gave him ten bucks and I told him I'd be back later to check on him. I told him to go get something to eat. I was tired and wanted to go home and take a nap and thought that after I took care of myself then I could check on him.

I got home and realized how selfish I had been. I wonder what the kid would have thought if I had said hop in and let's go to our house. He could have taken a hot shower and had some of my wonderful homemade vegetable soup and who knows maybe we could have figured out a place for him to stay for the night. I turned around and went back to find him. Call it what you will, but he had broken my heart. I kept thinking about my sons when they were that age and how as a father I would have given anything to anyone if they had reached out to my sons if they were in that situation. I thought about my little buddy who one day will be a young kid who, God forbid, might need someone to reach out and lend a helping hand. I was more concerned with my nap than the welfare of some poor lost soul (not talking in the spiritual sense). Or maybe I am. Maybe true spirituality is to see the needy and respond. The kid needed a whole helluva lot more than ten bucks. He was gone when I went to check on him. I drove up and down the interstate and no kid. I check the convenience stores and no kid. I check the fast food places and no kid. I check the grocery stores and no kid. I checked under the overpass to the interstate and no kid. I cried. I felt that God had put me in this kids path or he had put him in mine. I had missed a God given opportunity to minister. A opportunity missed. It has haunted me all week. It literally made me sick that Sunday afternoon.

I have come to understand that christianity is a lot more than "leading someone to the lord". It is more than studying the Word. It is more than kneeling in prayer. It is more than loving my spouse. It is more than loving my boys. It is more than being overtaken by the love of my grandson. I just don't know if I really know what the "more" is. One thing I do know is that I will forever see the look on that kids face when I gave him ten bucks and know that he was wanting more. A more is not money. So maybe I do know what the more is. Not my money but me.

And I do pray that someone truly reached out to the kid.

"Your scrotum will be swollen...."

Well, I have finally had the dreaded iguinal hernia surgery. No fun to say the least. I remember when I saw the surgeon the first time. He told me what was wrong and that "we" would have to do surgery to repair. There wasn't any "we" in this surgery. Hell. all I did was prep myself for surgery. The doctor gleefully announced as he examined me prior to surgery, "you've, already shaved, that'll make the nurses happy." I'm glad I could give someone some joy on this my most glorious day. The doctor told me that he would make a little incision and then push the hernia back in to place and cover the area with mesh. Like hell little. The damn incision measures 5 *^%#$@! inches. The incision is bigger than...

The last thing I remember was the nurse saying that she was going to give me the rest of my "cocktail". Bingo, I wake up in recovery and some really cute nurse saying, "How do you feel, Mr. Henson?" How the hell do you think I feel? I've been out for forty five minutes, I have a five inch incision, my throat feels like sandpaper and I can't feel anything below my waist (no worry, the feeling came back, whew!!!) and you want to know how I feel? What do they teach in nursing school anyway? I feel like shit, now give me something to make me feel better.

They told me before surgery that I couldn't go home until I "tee-teed". Now I'm 55 years old, I don't think you have to use the word "tee-tee" anymore. Piss, take a leak, or urinate-just not "tee tee". I get back to the room and whizz bang, I pissed right off. I was in the bathroom doing my business and my wonderful wife heard the joyful sounds of urine hitting water and applauded my efforts. The nurse came in and I proudly described my exploits and she quickly said, "Did you flush?" I wanted to say no and I didn't raise the lid and I missed more than I hit, but I quickly realized that she doubted my recent success. She WASN'T going to win this argument. I did finally convince her that I really had done the deed.

My post op nurse kept lifting the sheet and saying, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry. Just keep ice on it." Yeah, she was a female. No male would tell another male, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry." I know she peaked under that sheet at least three times with the same "scrotum announcement." She was partially correct. It was REALLY swollen and it turned black and blue. No one told me about my very sensitive areas becoming black and blue. I was in for quite the surprise when on the third day after surgery I went to take a whizz and my $%@#*&^ penis was purple. No reason for alarm you say. The hell you say. I ain't got much but I sure as hell don't want what I got rotting off. The doctor on call heard from me immediately. He seemed to get a chuckle out of my paranoia.

Nurse India got me home and really after three relatively uneventful days I am on my way to a full recovery. But the next time a physician says, "we're going to have to do surgery", "we're going to talk about the details a little more.

They got me by the .....!!!!!!

You know your day is starting off badly when you go to the doctor and he says "stand on this stool and drop your pants." Then he says, "and drop the under wear too." I had already decided that if he said to drop anything else that I was going to tell him that it wouldn't drop any further. Then he proceeds to poke and prod with no concern for how badly I was hurting. He did the routine that he pokes and says "now cough hard." I wanted to respond by saying, "you stand on the stool and drop your pants and underwear, let me poke your with vigor and see if you can cough hard." I wanted to knock the shit out of him and ask how that was for hard.

I found out that I had a hernia that needed to be repaired and that when I had it done I was going to hurt like hell for two days. But the day gets worse. I have to go for pre-admission and lab work. It really gets bad now. I go through the routine of signing shit that I don't know what it is and giving this lady my insurance card. She then indigently says, "you know that you have a $1000 deductible", like "you dumb-ass, how can anyone have such a high deductible." the answer is because you charge so frigging much. Being the Henson that I am, I kept my mouth shut :). Then she said, and your insurance only pays 60% for out patient surgery, I asked if I could have it done in patient and she said that the procedure didn't justify in patient." So much for us NOT having socialized medicine. So I asked her how much the procedure would cost and she says, "I don't know but your maximum out of pocket expenses would be $3000, so they needed a check for $3000 up front." My response was-"ain't going to happen." I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what this procedure would cost. NO ONE CAN TELL ME!!!! I was told that they could only tell me AFTER the procedure was invoiced AFTER the surgery. Well, shit!!!! This would be like going to a restaurant and ordering without knowing how much it cost but expected to pay whatever the bill happened to be.

The frigging insurance company-Blue Cross Blue Shield cannot tell me what an out patient procedure will cost me. Their response was somewhere between $1000 and $3000. You pay us $3000 dollars and if it is less we'll refund your money. And the damn thing about it is I don't have a choice. I either pay it and quit hurting or don't pay it and hurt like hell. Excuse the pun, but it's like they have me by the b...., oops sorry but you get the picture, oops I hope you don't get the picture but maybe get the idea. No wonder so many people are pushing for universal health care.

But I still have my dignity...aw shit that hurts. Maybe not.

Thomas-A great man through my eyes

I'm back to the faith thing again. Let me start by saying, in spite of what you may think when you read what I write, I do believe. I do have a faith in God. But most times it is simply because I choose to believe. I write this blog after having stopped reading The Shack on page 166. I had this crazy notion that by reading this highly acclaimed book by William Young that my doubts about my faith might be eased. Wrong.

I really began to identify with Mack, the major character in the book, for you see he was (is) a man of faith but yet overcome with much doubt. His doubt was because of a major tragedy in his life. My doubt has nothing to do with a particular tragedy in my life. But rather my doubt has to do with the inability to connect with the one called "papa" in the book. When I got to page 166 in the book I felt that I knew how the book would end, Mack would "understand" what it means to be in "relationship" with papa. I guess that is where I miss it in the faith thing. I understand relationship with my wife and my sons. I understand realtionship with my grandson, although he might not yet understand it. I hope he will one day. I guess papa understands relationship with me-I just don't get it. I've tried desperately to have what others call that relationship with papa but it just doesn't seem to work. Do I believe any less in him? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is there? I don't think so. I just doubt. Do I doubt that he is God? I don't think so. I just doubt.Do I doubt that he loves me? I don't think so. I just doubt. So what is it I doubt? Maybe it is the doubt itself that I doubt.

I have tried many ways to overcome this doubt-a doubt that I have had since a young kid. I was never taught to have faith, I was taught to believe. I was taught specifically to believe the WORD. And when I questioned things that I read in the book and things that I was taught, I was told not to question but believe. So I did. I believed for years what I was told to believe. I even preached for years to others what I had been told to believe. Then when I could no longer believe what I had been told to believe I quit preaching altogether. And that was probably one of the best decisions I have made as an adult. I began to search and seek for that "relationship" that is talked about in The Shack. I tried different varieties if Christianity. I even sought the charismatic and I even think that I found that briefly, though I doubt now. But the relationship thing avoids me or I avoid it.

I sat and stood in church today and really "worshipped" the one called papa or God. Corporate worship is the one place that I come the closest to connecting to papa. There are even times that I nearly have what I call out of body type experiences in these situations, yet that real connection never really happens. Maybe I am destined to be one of those labeled as "little faith". Maybe that is why I connect with Thomas. I know what it is to doubt. Maybe that is why I connect with Peter. I know what it is to KNOW the right thing but ...

So, I stopped on page 166. Will I finish the book? Probably not, Im a doubter. I think I know how it ends. It really won't change my faith. It is what it is. I have come to accept that. Somewhere in the Bible(I used to be able to tell you where) it says that faith at times can be a gift. It is interesting that it doesn't say what kind of faith, whether it is a great faith, a weak faith or a little faith. I have take that as my verse. The faith that I have, one that I simply chose to have, is papa's gift to me. What that means to me is that I don't have to connect-that simply having my measure of faith is enough for that is what papa has given to me.

Pops! for President

Let me start by saying that most of my life I have been a conservative Republican. I have voted for every Republican nominee since Jimmy Carter. I voted for good 'ol Jimmy. I got caught up in the peanut pickin' down home charm of good 'ol Jimmy. Maybe it was the Carter administration that turned me into a Republican because prior to that time I was opposed to the war in Vietnam, opposed to the politics of the racist south and a BIG fan of John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy. In my mind, at the time, Robert Kennedy would have become one of our greatest Presidents. As a young adult, I became "taken" by the JFK assassination. I actually read the Warren Commission on his death. I still believe that there are many unanswered questions about his death. But I digress...

This year I am not voting in this Presidential election and let me count the reasons why.

1. In an economy that is fraught with homelessness, poverty and diminishing retirement accounts we are spending hundreds of millions of dollars in order to assume the post of the most powerful position in the world. Just think of the human despair that could be eased with this money. Campaign spending must be limited dramatically.

2. We have two political parties that cannot find ANY common ground. It is absurd to think that supposedly two "good" men in McCain and Obama cannot find ANY common ground. When both candidates villify the other on the campaign trail but during a light moment during the Alred E Smith dinner can find nice things to say about each other suggests to me the basic dishonesty of both parties and candidiates.

3. Special interests run our parties and our country. It matters not whether it is big oil or big trail lawyers lobbyist or any group in between, we are run by big money not big ideas.

4. Both candidates lie to us incessantly. Nightly, on the media outlets, we are told both candidates misrepresent the positions of the other.

5. John McCain supports continuing to pour billions of dollars into a war when our economy at home is on the verge of collapse.

6. Obama blames McCain and Bush for the near collapsing economy when it has been the leaders of the Democratic party that have failed to heed the warnings of many, including McCain, concerning the effect that sub-prime lending would have on our economy.

7. John McCain has admitted that he is weak on the economy.

8. Barack Obama is weaker on the economy. You cannot raise taxes on anyone during the current economic crisis. It will lead to less jobs, higher interest rates and ...

9. Abolishing secret voting during Union organizing(everyone knows how evryone votes) will lead to more unions which will be the death knell for many small businesses. I know, I run a small business, and we cannot afford what it would mean. The big companies than can would simply swallow us up. This is part of the Democratic initiative.

10. John McCain knows that we can't continue the war and it's economic costs AND pay all his new spending without raising taxes.

11. Obama's plan calls for one trillion dollars in new spending and even by ending the war in Iraq, it cannot be paid for other than by raising ALL our taxes. You may get a "payroll" tax decrease but don't think for a moment that "other" taxes won't be raised. He is a Democrat and that is what Democrats do.

12. What do we REALLY know about Obama? Not enough.

13. What do we REALLY know about McCain? Too much.

14. How can I vote for the candidate of either party when both parties (through big money) stop the voices of those in minor parties? They cannot even participate in the debates. I sure would like to have had Paul and Barr in those debates, they would have at least made the two major candidates face the REAL issues.

15. The candidates cannot agree on an energy policy. One wants more drilling and one wants more alternative energy sources and the one guy(not a politician) that has put his money where is mouth is says we have to do both. Maybe T Boone Pickens needs to be President.

This list could go on and on but the point is that we are all fooling ourselves if we think that either candidate is good or right for this country. Until our political system finds a way to stop the incessant media campaigning we will continue to be bought and paid for.

Here is my simple and maybe redneck solution. All media(paid advertising will be outlawed). Candidates can only campaign(speak to the public) through public forums. No more ad agencies doing slick media campaigns. No more 527's or whatever they are called. All candidates will answer questions from THE PEOPLE at public forums. These public forums will not be organized by the media but by local citizens groups, whether they are the PTA, Chamber of Commerce, or Civic Clubs. When we take the media out of the center and require the candidates to answer our questions and we have a chance of rebuttal then maybe we can finally elect a candidate that is of the people and for the people.

That is my platform. This has been approved by me. If elected I will gladly serve.