Doctors, They say the darnedest things.

I've resisted writing this blog for three days now but finally had to succumb to the urge. If it didn't have to do with the medical profession I might have resisted but, "Doctors, they just say the darnedest things".

I had to visit my urologist on Wednesday. As you get older things just don't work as well as they used to and that happened to be the case with me and no it is not what you think, I didn't go for the little blue pill. Thankfully that still works just fine. I had an appointment at 1:30 and got there at 1:15, thinking that if I got there earlier that maybe I'd get out early. Well, fifty minutes later I had not even been called to pay my co-pay. They had this sign up stating, "If you have waited twenty minutes past your appointment, let us know." Those of you who know me know that I let them know. I kinda felt good about my letting them know how I felt when it suddenly dawned on me the mistake I had made. "You dumb ass, you are seeing a UROLOGIST-you don't want to make them mad-he has your future in his hands." Or at least he will shortly (excuse the pun). So I decide to calm down. Finally one hour and forty five minutes and four bathroom trips(now you know why I went to the doc) later I get called back to the examining room. And this mean looking nurse shoves a little container in my face and says, "we only need a little bit." I was highly pissed by now (oops another pun) and wanted to say, "well honey, I only have a little bit so that is all you are going to get" or some other smart ass answer but I told the truth. "Listen, I've been here for two hours and have peed four times and what ever is left you can have." Now that wasn't smartassed was it? I went and did the deed and came back and handed her my "specimen" (like they are doing some sort of great genetic research) and she smile and said in that kindergarten teacher voice, "Oh , you did so good." I wanted to say , "Listen you little..." Oh, never mind.

I sit in the room and listen to the doctor make his rounds. It is amazing how thin those walls are. I must have been on the guy wing of the hospital because all the patients he talked to were men. And I was the youngest. Man, these guys had some problems. Low testosterone. Blood in the urine...yuck. Kidney stones( been there done that). Erectile dysfunction( I want to be the guy that has to call the doctor after FOUR HOURS). There was one guy , sixty five, that had all sorts of problems but at the end of his exam said, "Oh, doc what about my sex drive?" Sixty five with a myriad of health problems and he's worried about sex drive. Damn, maybe getting old isn't so bad after all.

Finally, the doc comes in and apologizes for the wait. By this time, I wanted to thank him. The last thirty minutes had been quite entertaining. But now I realized that some jerk in the next room was going to be entertained by me. All the obligatory questions. Then the "drop the drawers" routine. He noticed my scare from hernia surgery and he actually rubbed the scar and asked, "who did your surgery?" Who the hell cares? I getting a little freaked out by now. Wow, doctors, what a fraternity? Then the bend over the table thing and it was at that point he asks, "Hows your sex life?" Damn, what is with this guy? I wished I had been in the position to raise my hand and say, "Ask him yourself!!!" But I did the "I'm out of town a lot and there is a lot going on in my life routine." And then he said and hold on, "You might want to consider *&^%$(*&^& a couple of times a week, that might help your condition." I wanted to come up off the table and take him by the neck and yell, "Where were you when I was sixteen, when I thought I would go blind." I never knew doctors could prescribe such things. It was just forty years too late. But, Doctors do say the darnedest things.

Theology for Dummies

I don't get around to posting much on this blog but I have been reading some other blogs that have peaked my interest lately. Most have been religious in nature. Here is a conclusion that I have come to after reading most of them. I just too damn dumb to understand what most are trying to say. My favorite theologian is NT Wright and may times I feel the same way about his writings. However, good old Tom often writes "dumbed down versions" for those of us who are looking for "Theology for Dummies"-damn I may have come up with a business idea. So here are my TOP TEN questions for the intellectual religious bloggers.

1) Who in the hell are you trying to impress? Certainly not me, my dictionary doesn't carry most of those words.

2) Do you really want comments from dumb-asses like me? If so, put it in language that I can understand.

3) Does your blog mean that you have been given the gift of tongues? If so, when do we get the interpretation?

4) Have any of you figured out exactly how many angels can dance on the head of a needle?

5) Can you tell me what you are reading so that I can make sure not to buy it? If I can't understand you, there sure in hell is no way that I will understand what you are reading.

6) Is it possible to understand the great religious texts and understand your blogs at the same time? If so, have you written "Theology for Dummies" yet?

7) Wouldn't it be easier just to re-write the great religious texts and then you wouldn't have to tell us what they mean?

8) Oh shit, I'm running out of questions.

9) Number 9 wasn't any good anyway.

10) Have any of you actually read your own blogs? Did you understand them? Maybe you should be the one to write "Theology for Dummies". Or better yet, always post two at the same time. The original and one that explains the original.

I guess I could stop reading them but then I would't have a blog to post.

Sit down and shut up

It's hard to know where to begin. The last week and a half have been a whirlwind. A week ago on Friday I flew to California to be with my son Zac. He was going through a tough time. He and I got to spend some really good time together. I did a lot of listening, which is a big change for me. But I learned a valuable lesson about just sitting down and shutting up. I learned to appreciate my son probably more than I ever had. I learned that he was a young man of great courage. He has had the courage to face certain issues straight on and has had the courage to make some courageous decisions. And his old man may just get to be the beneficiary of his courage. Zac and I, at least for right now, are planning on going into business together. More on that later, if we finalize those plans. But I think we both realized how much a like we are and I think that we also realized how much we really love each other. I am so proud of him.

I also got to spend some time with my other son, his wife and my little buddy Brendan. I got to be pops! and man did I love it. The more that I am with the kid the more I want to be around him more. He and Zac and myself went to the Oakland Zoo one day and we had a blast. He got to ride around on Uncle Zac's shoulders for most of the day and he loved it. He even got to see the giraffes mating. Zac and I both got a laugh out of that. The next day I took him to an indoor playroom and spent about three hours together. the boy didn't stop the whole time we were there.

Pops! then came home to his girls. My lovely wife and my little girl Daisy, our new Australian pup. She got to come to the airport with Jadda to pick me up. Now that Jadda is gone for a few days I am getting to "babysit". She is a constant ball of energy. She is my little girl. She is in that "toddle" stage-she is into everything and wants your constant attention.

One thing that I have learned the last few days is to value ALL my time with the people (or animals) that I love and to sit down and shut up.

pops!

Little buddies

Why do I go to church? I've really been thinking about that a lot lately. I struggle with this thing called "faith". Not because I don't believe in God, I do. Not that I don't believe in Jesus, I do. I consider myself a somewhat "progressive conservative Christian". I'm not sure what that means but I don't consider myself right wing or left wing politically or religiously. And I don't know if I'm in the middle. Hell, I just changed subjects. But why do I go to church? I really enjoy corporate worship. I may be weird but I really come closer to God in that environment that others and that may say a lot about why I struggle with this "faith" thing. But I think that the thing that I like most is the people. Just take last Sunday. I was a little late getting to church and I proceeded to my normal place. The Daniel family was not there but the Crockett's were and when my buddy Gavin saw me he smiled this huge smile and came over and hugged me around the legs. You talk about having your day made, well, my was. Most Sundays, when Gavin is there ,I get to look at his books, color and just enjoy him. Sometimes he will even lay his head on my shoulder and I just melt. I know Gavin likes me regardless of what I wear, what I think politically or what I think religiously. He likes "Mr. Hal" because...I really don't know why. But I hope he likes me because he knows that I love him. And even with little Sam, I am beginning to strike up a bond. He is still at the age where he wants to be with mommy and daddy but when he sees me he gives me that "look", that look that has a twinkle in his eyes and a little smile on his face. I sure sometime soon Gavin won't think it cool to sit in Mr. Hal's lap and color but maybe by then little Sam will. I really like my little buddies. They really make church-church. Why do I go to church? Are Gavin and Sam good enough reasons? I enjoy the worship. I enjoy Pastor Garry's sermons. I enjoy my time with Pastor Charlie. But Gavin and Sam help this old fart feel good every Sunday morning. And I guess that I also see in them another little buddy that I miss and love so much, my grandson Brendan. And I think that God is glorified in that. I think that He loved His little buddy. I can't help but think that as God looked down on Jesus from his time as a child until He finally was crucified that He looked down with pride on his "little buddy". So I think that God is pleased that on Sundays that I take time with my little buddies. And if that were all that I got out of church, that would probably be enough.

Hell, give him a chance!!!!

Yesterday, one of the most historic days of my life, I had to spend in meetings until after lunch. I missed seeing the inaguration of President Barack Obama. I had to watch the replay of the event last night on CSPAN. I had heard some conservative jerks, I mean commentators talk about the speech on my way to work yesterday afternoon. The commentary was that it was a very disjointed speech with no flow to it. I expected to hear a speech that was far from Obamaesque.

But I heard a speech that was more substance that flowery oratory. Did President Obama tell us the specifics of what he was going to do? No. But he was very honest and forthright. We are in a frigging mess and he promised to meet the problems head on. I am a lifelong Republican but I was inspired as I listened to his speech. A President saying that he couldn't, nor could the government solve our problems, he asked for our help as Americans. I for one want my President to succeed. I want a better country for my grandchildren. Do I agree with all his politics? Hell no, but I do believe him to be a good moral man that has a very positive vision for this country. How arogant can we conservatives be to think that the only right way is our way. President Bush has had eight years, and I understand that he faced difficult circumstances, but this country is not better off after having four years under his leadership. I believe W to be a good man but a leader who has severely divided this country. I hope that President Obama can unite our political leaders. He, so far, has done a good job of reaching across the aisle asking that we all unite for the common good of our great country. I, for one, do not think that the massive expansion of government is the way to go. But our last President, the man I voted for, began the expansion of government. Maybe President Obama can take the philosphy and make it work. I am willing to give him a chance. I am also willing to pray that President Obama becomes the leader that our country has not had in many years. A leader that inspires hopes, dreams and success.

This lifelong Republican actually cried when Aretha Franklin sang "My Country 'tis of Thee". I think that was the song. I was moved by emotion as I watch people from every walk of life being united rather than divided. I laughed and cried as I watched the Obama girls observe their Father receiving the oath of office to the highest position in the country. I was happy when Obama stumbled over his words, not because he screwed up but because it made him seem like one of us. Not a perfect man but an imperfect man seeking imperfect people to strive for perfection.

So what am I trying to say. Shut the hell up Limbaugh and Hannity. Listen to him for a change. Give the man chance.

The Kid

Last Sunday Pastor Garry spoke on our attitude towards riches and it wasn't the typical pastor sermon on giving. It was a honest look at how we should view stuff and how stuff shouldn't change how we look at ourselves. On the way home from church, as we got on our exit, there was a young man on the side of the road with a sign that said, "broke-hungry". The kid had to be in his early twenties and was wearing very light clothing for weather in the 40's, wet and windy. He was literally shaking, one of those whole body shakes as he begged for money. I think I ask one of the dumbest questions ever, "You got any place to stay." The kid kind of look at me like, well, you dumb ----, what do you think?" Rather he politely gave me a blank stare. India and I gave him ten bucks and I told him I'd be back later to check on him. I told him to go get something to eat. I was tired and wanted to go home and take a nap and thought that after I took care of myself then I could check on him.

I got home and realized how selfish I had been. I wonder what the kid would have thought if I had said hop in and let's go to our house. He could have taken a hot shower and had some of my wonderful homemade vegetable soup and who knows maybe we could have figured out a place for him to stay for the night. I turned around and went back to find him. Call it what you will, but he had broken my heart. I kept thinking about my sons when they were that age and how as a father I would have given anything to anyone if they had reached out to my sons if they were in that situation. I thought about my little buddy who one day will be a young kid who, God forbid, might need someone to reach out and lend a helping hand. I was more concerned with my nap than the welfare of some poor lost soul (not talking in the spiritual sense). Or maybe I am. Maybe true spirituality is to see the needy and respond. The kid needed a whole helluva lot more than ten bucks. He was gone when I went to check on him. I drove up and down the interstate and no kid. I check the convenience stores and no kid. I check the fast food places and no kid. I check the grocery stores and no kid. I checked under the overpass to the interstate and no kid. I cried. I felt that God had put me in this kids path or he had put him in mine. I had missed a God given opportunity to minister. A opportunity missed. It has haunted me all week. It literally made me sick that Sunday afternoon.

I have come to understand that christianity is a lot more than "leading someone to the lord". It is more than studying the Word. It is more than kneeling in prayer. It is more than loving my spouse. It is more than loving my boys. It is more than being overtaken by the love of my grandson. I just don't know if I really know what the "more" is. One thing I do know is that I will forever see the look on that kids face when I gave him ten bucks and know that he was wanting more. A more is not money. So maybe I do know what the more is. Not my money but me.

And I do pray that someone truly reached out to the kid.

"Your scrotum will be swollen...."

Well, I have finally had the dreaded iguinal hernia surgery. No fun to say the least. I remember when I saw the surgeon the first time. He told me what was wrong and that "we" would have to do surgery to repair. There wasn't any "we" in this surgery. Hell. all I did was prep myself for surgery. The doctor gleefully announced as he examined me prior to surgery, "you've, already shaved, that'll make the nurses happy." I'm glad I could give someone some joy on this my most glorious day. The doctor told me that he would make a little incision and then push the hernia back in to place and cover the area with mesh. Like hell little. The damn incision measures 5 *^%#$@! inches. The incision is bigger than...

The last thing I remember was the nurse saying that she was going to give me the rest of my "cocktail". Bingo, I wake up in recovery and some really cute nurse saying, "How do you feel, Mr. Henson?" How the hell do you think I feel? I've been out for forty five minutes, I have a five inch incision, my throat feels like sandpaper and I can't feel anything below my waist (no worry, the feeling came back, whew!!!) and you want to know how I feel? What do they teach in nursing school anyway? I feel like shit, now give me something to make me feel better.

They told me before surgery that I couldn't go home until I "tee-teed". Now I'm 55 years old, I don't think you have to use the word "tee-tee" anymore. Piss, take a leak, or urinate-just not "tee tee". I get back to the room and whizz bang, I pissed right off. I was in the bathroom doing my business and my wonderful wife heard the joyful sounds of urine hitting water and applauded my efforts. The nurse came in and I proudly described my exploits and she quickly said, "Did you flush?" I wanted to say no and I didn't raise the lid and I missed more than I hit, but I quickly realized that she doubted my recent success. She WASN'T going to win this argument. I did finally convince her that I really had done the deed.

My post op nurse kept lifting the sheet and saying, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry. Just keep ice on it." Yeah, she was a female. No male would tell another male, "your scrotum will be swollen, so don't worry." I know she peaked under that sheet at least three times with the same "scrotum announcement." She was partially correct. It was REALLY swollen and it turned black and blue. No one told me about my very sensitive areas becoming black and blue. I was in for quite the surprise when on the third day after surgery I went to take a whizz and my $%@#*&^ penis was purple. No reason for alarm you say. The hell you say. I ain't got much but I sure as hell don't want what I got rotting off. The doctor on call heard from me immediately. He seemed to get a chuckle out of my paranoia.

Nurse India got me home and really after three relatively uneventful days I am on my way to a full recovery. But the next time a physician says, "we're going to have to do surgery", "we're going to talk about the details a little more.